Life’s Puzzle: 3 Keys to Finding Your Perfect Fit

In counseling work, it can be very useful to use “metaphoric truths” to explore abstract ideas and concepts relating to our life struggles.

I often see people with their context like a puzzle piece “matching up” with other puzzle pieces in their lives to create an ideal picture for themselves and the people they care about.

Some of these pieces seem to “click into” places spontaneously. Some require a bit of work to find the right match. Some even try to reshape their puzzle piece, or force their puzzle piece to match up with the bigger picture. We may call this “masking” perhaps. “Masking” is okay short term but can be problematic when “fake it until you make it” does not eventuate. Having said that, if it does “make it”, then good.

The challenge is that the puzzle pieces are not simple 2D pieces but more like 3D, and often dynamic and changing over time. What matches well today, may not match well at all tomorrow. It’s dynamic and messy.

So to succeed and thrive, one has to know:

1. One’s own puzzle piece very well.

2. The nature of the external puzzle pieces well.

3. The final picture of what they want to create or move towards.

Unmasking Your True Self: Navigating ADHD and ASD with Authenticity and Balance

When I work with folks who are struggling with ASHD or ASD, the term “masking” often come into the conversation.

So what is “masking” and why does it have a negative impact on our mental health?

In my mind, “masking” is when one cannot live a life true to oneself because when they do, it doesn’t work in their context. This can be conscious or unconscious. Masking comes with an “emotional debt”, and with excessive use, can lead to an “emotional bankruptcy” or burnout.

So what is the solution or strategy from a psychotherapy point of view?

Help our patients to clearly define their values and what matters to them, and to pursue a life truer to self and still make that workable in the external world.

ADHD and the Mismatch of Focus: When Inner Worlds Clash with Outer Demands

The pattern I often see in people struggling with ADHD is that their minds tend to zoom in on their internal values or thoughts—what matters to them—and zoom out of the things their world, family, or environment expects them to focus on.

When their internal values and thinking differ significantly from those of their environment, it creates a major challenge.

This mismatch often leads to secondary anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, and frequent misunderstandings. One can frame this as the mismatch of the inner and outer focus rather than a “pure focus issue”.

So how can we help them to align those?

First step is awareness and mindfulness of that and with less blame towards the external context or self. “Hold space” or find emotional acceptance of that. With that renewed energy, focus on creating or finding a context that is more aligned with one’s inner thinking and values.

In essence, we help them to fine tune and follow their inner thinking and values, but at the same time, making that workable in the external world.

Finding Your Path: Moving Towards Your Values for a Healthier You

In counseling work, people usually come to see me when they are experiencing an internal conflict around their hierarchy of values or are stuck in a context that moves them away from those values.

Having said that, they may not have the emotional literacy to describe it in that particular way. They might instead express it as stress, anxiety, burnout, or depression.

Management:

1. Identify and acknowledge what those values are. Values are typically emotive or motivating, so check for “emotional resonance.” If it’s not emotive or motivating, it’s probably not a value of theirs. If it is emotive, then it likely is. The more core it is, the more emotive it becomes because it matters deeply to them.

2. Reconcile by changing your value-based rules but still honoring those values, or hold space for those internal conflicts. It’s quite normal to experience them.

3. With clarity around those values, take actions toward the most important ones, ensuring they are workable for sustainability.

Note: With the “feeling mind,” moving toward our values feels better. Conversely, moving away from our values often feels worse.